Thursday, August 25, 2011

Due process...

Application. Committee votes. 50 Hours. Home Visit. Board Approval Required. Classes to Start. 200 Hours to Log. Down Payment Required. Moving From Here to a Temporary There. Then There to Another There. A Final There.

So long weekends, hello hardhat.
Bye bye lunchbreak, hello filing.

Right now, we're living for a prayer....
Please pray for us? :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What I would say to her...

"I know you love him. I know, really. I really, really know. And I understand that, I do. But, will you love him when you're twenty four and divorced? Will you love him when he hurts you? Will you love him enough to become that girl, you know the one. The one you've always read about, did papers about, advocated for. You'll become her. You'll be scared of him. You'll love him with a white-hot fire and give up so much just to take his hand. And it'll be you and him against the world...until its not anymore.

These feelings, this ache inside, that tell you how you need him. How you can't live without him...they're deceiving you, young girl. They're tricking your head who knows better to follow your heart who yearns for love, acceptance.

He's not your one. And everyone has a one. And no matter how hard you try, you can't make him your one. It doesn't work like that. God doesn't appoint him to be that for did..and you'll see the consequences of your actions soon enough.

You'll have bruises, on your arms and on your heart. And you'll carry around this baggage that no one sees for years. You'll make excuses for him. You'll call yourself clumsy. You'll fall apart and see the people you love a different way after watching them help piece you back together. They were never against you, they were against your self-destruction by adding him into your life.

There were good qualities, I know. But love like that doesn't last without a foundation to stand on, without God holding you up together. And you will break. And you will cry. And you will feel pain like you've never felt before.

You'll say to yourself if you leave him that you're scared for his safety; that you don't know if he'd hurt himself. You have a kind heart, but those thoughts aren't normal. They don't belong to normal sixteen year old girls. They belong to girls that are getting into years worth of abuse and that's a trick he's played. And in this game of making you lose yourself, he won.

There are going to be so many bad days. Days full of tears and self-loathing. There are days you want to move on, to see there is hope in something else but he'll pull you back in with those green eyes. He'll tell you you are the only one he'll ever love.

You'll believe him and you'll be involved in adult situations with him without thinking there might be adult consequences. You know its wrong, but you won't care. It will eat away at your soul. You'll feel worthless. Its all a trap. Get out!

But you'll stay.

You'll make a promise to God to never do it again, because you know its wrong.
But you will. Tomorrow night. When you see him again. You'll fall again.
And its a tailspin downward...
please stop losing yourself to gain him.
love doesn't have to be like that.

And then you'll discover what love unconditionally really feels like..
when you feel a little one kick inside your tummy for the first time.
And it delivers you from this.
Every reason to stay has become a reason to go.
Your safety, her safety.
You name your baby, he detaches.
You make a vow before God to love each other forever. He laughs in his heart knowing this means nothing. He'll seek other women. You'll know you have a greater purpose. He'll lose himself to drugs, to late nights with friends, to drinking, to sex...
God's delivering you. When you think you're alone, youll feel another kick. When you cry because he hasn't come home all night, your tears will start drying faster.

You know you're made for more of this.
You fall in love with your family when they hold you until your sobs slow and your breathing becomes steady again. They'll promise you better days although you won't see them for a while.
You'll realize they've loved you all along. You've meant something all along.

You'll change diapers, you'll stare into her eyes, you'll be up all night for feedings and you'll be exhausted.

He'll leave.
You'll leave.
He'll come back and try to hang on..
He'll hurt you.
He'll threaten you.
Damage is done. Police come out.
Its too late.
And in your heart you just want a family.
Then you realize you have your family in your arms.
And you run.
Your family comes to your rescue with a truck and hauls away belongings.
Bouncy seats, pink blankets and cribs blow in the air as you'll stare out the window wondering how this ever happened.
You feel an ache to the core of your being hurting you, ripping away at your heart.
But you'll keep running.
You'll run far away from him and his devastating words and his anger that becomes black-blue on your skin.
You'll do anything to protect your reason for living, a living legacy of your father by name-sake whose blue eyes can make everything seem alright, if only for a minute.
You're a mother at age nineteen.

Years go by. Nothing changes. He has a new girlfriend before the divorce is even official. The pain stings and you feel hot tears on your face and you'll call yourself stupid for caring. You know this is better. You know he won't change.
You'll still prayer in silence for his salvation, for God to deliver him and heal him.

It'll be a year since you've even seen him soon...
And while you wouldn't change it, you now know why God warns against this.

You'll know why God all along has said to have your foundation in Him, not someone else.
And you'll see that All things DO work for the good of those who love HIM.

Your life won't be easy. But its exactly where you need to be.
And sometimes you'll still feel those hot tears streaming down your face for no reason at all because honestly, he damaged you. But know that God's repairing you, little by little you'll get better. And it will get easier.

But, guard your heart, girl. Guard it with all your might.
Because you know all too well how deceiving it can be..."

Saturday, August 13, 2011

We're Going to the Dominican...

*check it out! :)
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